


Humpty Dumpty

by AGJ1990



Series: Evelyn Winchester [29]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: John Winchester's A+ Parenting, John drinking, Regret, very angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-17
Updated: 2018-03-17
Packaged: 2019-04-03 19:20:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14002890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AGJ1990/pseuds/AGJ1990
Summary: A week after Evy goes to Stanford to live with Sam, John reflects on how he lost her.





	Humpty Dumpty

**Author's Note:**

> The characters of Supernatural do not belong to me. The original character of Evelyn Winchester does.

Another bar, another drink, another night spent stewing in his own self-pity. That was what John Winchester’s life had become. It had happened long before this, but it was getting more set in stone now. He knew Dean was waiting for him back at their little rundown, shabby house, and he was grateful for it. Because Dean was all John had left at this point.

            It had been a week since Evy had left to live with Sam. She’d tried calling a couple of times. John knew it was cruel, but he couldn’t stand the thought of talking to her. She had left the family, just like Sam, because she couldn’t cut it in the hunting life. She wanted ‘normal’, just like Sam. The strict, insanely overprotective, drill sergeant part of John’s personality, the one he showed his children the most, wanted to be pissed and angry and make her feel it. But inside, in a part he didn’t think he’d ever admit to anyone, he knew he’d earned this. Sam and Evy were both sensitive, kind, gentle souls, and the hunting life was beyond bad for them. John had driven them both away. And now that he was alone to think about it, he could see exactly how it had happened. Hindsight really was 20/20.

John looked back at what had driven him to the bar this time. A piece of paper, one he’d found buried in his journal. It was something Sam had done with Evy at age four, while teaching her how to write. It was a nursery rhyme, one she’d copied in order to practice her letters. John read it again, and his brain flooded with memories that he regretted to his core. Humpty Dumpty. _It certainly fits,_ John thought.

**_Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall…_ **

            John was beyond tired. The hunt had been long and hard. He had a headache, and all he wanted was to see his kids for a few minutes, then go to bed. He certainly did not want to deal with a cranky toddler, but of all the nights for it to happen, Evy had picked this one. John had been home for just under an hour. Sam had made dinner, and he’d done a surprisingly good job of it.  But his choice of a vegetable, broccoli, was not going over well with Evy. Bobby and Dean watched the scene with amusement, John with a growing annoyance.

“No, Sammy.” “Cricket, come on, it’s good for you.” Sam coaxed.

Evy crossed her arms across her chest, the eternal sign of ‘I’m not doing it and you can’t make me’. “No. I not eat twees.”

Bobby and Dean snorted. Even Sam, who pretended to be stern and annoyed, couldn’t hide a grin. Evy was not a picky eater, not by a long shot, so the mini-tantrum at the table was quite amusing rather than frustrating. Bobby had once joked that she was actually a goat, because she would eat anything, edible or inedible, good or bad. She normally liked vegetables, but the broccoli, if she had her way, just wasn’t going to happen. John was at the end of his patience; just as Bobby was about to suggest another spoonful of mashed potatoes instead, John slapped the table with his open hand, making everyone jump.

“Evelyn, stop whining and eat your dinner. All of it. Now.”

            Evy frowned, and her bottom lip started to tremble. Bobby eyes clearly said that if his children weren’t at the table right now, he’d shoot John dead. Sam looked angry, and like it took great restraint for him not to say anything either. Dean kept an eye on Evy, who finally took the fork from Sam with a shaking hand and forced herself to eat. Sam only made her eat the one piece. The rest of the meal was silent, and when it felt safe to do so, Sam picked Evy up and took her to get a bath. Dean, who usually stayed to talk with his dad and Bobby, followed. Bobby stared at John with a withering look.

“I know, Bobby.” John said, without ever looking up.

“You know what?” Bobby asked.

“That I was too hard on her.” John said.

“Well if you know, then why do I have to keep telling you?” Bobby asked.

“Bobby, please, I’m tired, I’m not in the mood. The hunt was…”

“Yeah, the hunt.” Bobby said, taking his last swig of beer and standing up. He looked John in the eye and said pointedly, “Takes a real great hunter to be a jackass to a baby, don’t it?”

            John glowered at Bobby, but he knew he deserved it. Bobby left John to stew in his own guilt. John poured himself a drink, the look on Evy’s face when he’d exploded making him want to kick his own ass. She hadn’t even really been throwing a tantrum. Sam was the only one who even remotely liked broccoli. Dean, who John would believe until the day he died Evy had inherited her appetite from, couldn’t stand it. Bobby had eaten a couple pieces to make Sam feel good, and John hadn’t touched it. Had she been a few years older, John could easily see how her response might have been that it wasn’t fair she had to eat it and no one else did.

Before he could think about it anymore, he heard Evy’s distinct giggle from the living room. He walked to the entrance linking the kitchen to the living room. All the lights were out. Evy sat on the middle of the couch in Sam’s lap. Dean was next to them, Bobby sitting at his desk. They were watching cartoons. “Scooby-Dooby-Do!” blared through the TV, and Evy giggled hard. She had been changed into pajamas, and her shoulder length brown hair was flowing off her shoulders. In one arm she held Squish tightly to her chest, and her tongue stuck out slightly, like it always did when she was concentrating or engrossed in something. Evy said something to Sam about the cartoon, and Sam laughed and tickled her, making her laugh even harder. Suddenly John didn’t care how tired he was; he wanted to go in and join them. But he still felt guilty. So he walked around the back of the couch and upstairs to bed.

**_Humpty Dumpty had a great fall…_ **

“Daddy?”

John bit his tongue. He’d been working all day and was trying to work on research now. He was exhausted, and the last thing he wanted was to deal with a whiny kid. Sam had put Evy to bed an hour ago, so John had thought he had some time to himself.

“What is it, little one?” John asked, trying to be patient.

“I can’t seep.” Evy explained. “Can I sit with you?”

John looked up and saw her standing there, with a worried look and clutching Squish to her chest. “Why can’t you sleep?”

“Not tiwed.” Evy said, even though she yawned as she said it.

John smiled. Evy had just turned four, but she always talked like she was a couple years younger when she actually was tired. “I think you are tired.”

“Nuh-uh.” Evy insisted.

Sharper than he meant to, John responded, “Don’t argue with me, Evelyn. Go back to bed. Now.”

            Evy’s face fell. She had just wanted her Daddy to hold her for a minute. Give her a hug, tell her he loved her, maybe even make her laugh a little. She missed him. But once again, he seemed to want nothing to do with her. It would do no good to argue more, and would probably end up with her getting swatted. Evy turned from the kitchen.

“Sorry, Daddy. I go back to bed now.”

            John’s heart twisted painfully in his chest. She’d tried to hide it, but he’d heard the crack in her voice. _Nice job, Winchester. You can figure out how to kill anything, but you can’t figure out how to be nice to a little kid._ He wanted to tell her he was sorry, pick her up and put her back to bed like she so obviously wanted. But the eternal John Winchester problem reared it’s ugly head again. What he wanted to say didn’t come out.

“Evelyn.” John’s heart cracked the tiniest bit when Evy flinched and turned back to him. “Good night.”

“Night night, Daddy.” She said, and turned to leave.

            John spent another hour or so trying to work, but it was useless. He couldn’t shake the feeling of abandoning Evy when she needed him. He stood up from the table and went to find her. Not surprisingly, he found her curled up in Sam’s bed, fast asleep. Sam had an arm loosely over her. John walked over, very quietly, and looked at Evy’s face in the dim lighting provided by the street light outside. There were dried tears on her face, which John wiped away, like he should have done when she came to him the first time.

“Sorry, little one. I do love you.” John whispered into the silent room. He kissed his middle and index finger, touched it to her forehead, and walked away.

****

****

**_All the king’s horses, and all the king’s men…_ **

            The front door opened, and in stepped Evy. John had been home for a few hours now, arriving just as she’d left for school that morning. It had been a rough six weeks in the Winchester house. Sam was living at Stanford, and Evy reminded John of a lost puppy without him. Evy seemed distracted, and jumped when John greeted her.

“Hey, little one. How was school?”

Evy turned to John, quickly wiping her face with her arm. “Oh. Hi, daddy.”

John didn’t miss her attempt to hide that she’d been crying. “Are you okay?”

“Yes, sir.” Evy said. “Just got something in my eye.”

“Oh.” John said. She didn’t seem too upset, so he took her explanation at face value. “How was school?”

“It was okay.” Evy said, walking up to John to give him a hug.

“Yeah?” John asked, surprised at the unexpected show of affection. Things had been tense between the two of them since Sam had left. “You have any homework?”

“No, sir. Can I go make myself a snack?” Evy asked.

“Sure.”

            Evy finally let John go and walked towards the kitchen. John couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong with her. Something more than just missing Sam. He took a step towards the kitchen, then noticed something on the floor where Evy had been standing. It was a folded up piece of paper, with _Abshire Elementary School_ stamped on it. John felt his temper rise, and he marched to the kitchen with the note in his hand. Evy was sitting at the kitchen table, with a plate full of a few cookies and a glass of juice.

“Do you have something to tell me?”

Evy looked slightly guilty. “What do you mean?”

“Were you going to give me or Dean this?” John said, holding up the note.

“I was going to give it to you.” Evy said, barely above a whisper.

“Speak up.” John snapped. “When were you going to give it to me? What is it that you’re trying to hide? What does the note say?”

“I don’t know what it says, Daddy.” Evy said. “I was going to give it to you after I ate my snack. It must have fallen out of my pocket.”

“You have no idea what this says?” John asked.

“No, sir.” Evy said, trying to control her shaking voice.

“How can you not know?” John asked, exasperated. “What did you do today that might have gotten you a note home from school?”

“Daddy, I don’t know. I swear.” Evy said. “I didn’t do anything.”

“Go to your room.”

“Daddy…” Evy said, unable to stop the tear from falling now.

“Now.” John said firmly.

            Evy didn’t argue further, just grabbed her backpack and walked to her room, wiping her eyes as she went. John’s anger at her attempting to hide whatever was in the note clouded his thinking so much that he didn’t do the obvious-actually read the note. John cleared the table of Evy’s barely eaten snack, attempting to subdue his temper. When Sam and Dean had been the same age, he would have spent the time calming himself so he could give them a spanking for misbehaving in school. He had hated doing it every time, but he’d felt it necessary. He thought about doing the same this time with Evy, but quickly ruled out that possibility. The longtime arrangement that Bobby had forced on them had worked well. Sam dealt with Evy’s minor misbehaviors, and Bobby, Dean, and Sam worked together for anything major. While John didn’t think Evy would tell on him to Bobby if he did break the agreement, Dean likely would, and Bobby would kick his ass until there was nothing left.

“Dad?”

John’s thoughts were interrupted by Dean, who’d just gotten back from a food run. “Hey, Dean.” “Did baby girl get home yet?” Dean asked. “I got something for her.”

“I sent her to her room.”

“What? Why?” Dean asked.

“She got this from school.” John explained, handing Dean the note. “She tried to hide it, then wouldn’t tell me what it was about.”

“Really?” Dean said with a wide grin. “Her first note home from school? Way to go, kid.”

“Dean…” John admonished lightly.

His temper had subsided, and to be honest, he wasn’t that upset either. Evy very rarely got in trouble, so he was more concerned with the fact that she’d tried to hide whatever had happened. He had been planning to find out what she’d done, tell her not to do it again, and tell her to be completely honest with him from that point on. Dean had opened the note out of curiosity, and his face fell.

“Dad? Did you actually read this?” Dean asked.

John saw the look on Dean’s face and answered, “No. Why?”

Dean handed it to him. “It’s a praise note.” “What?”

_Mr. Winchester,_

_I wanted to tell you about Evy’s day today. She had to spend the day in the office with me because her class was on a field trip. I have to tell you how impressed I am with her. You’re raising a very smart, very polite, sweet little girl. She’s impressive, and a very good reflection on you. I think she’s feeling very sad, though. She told me about her brother going off to college, and how much she really misses him. Please forgive me for the unsolicited advice, but I think she could really use some one-on-one attention at home. Maybe a daddy-daughter day or something._

_Yours truly,_

_Anna Jackson_

_Secretary, Abshire Elementary School_

The pieces fell together, and John felt a familiar sensation when it came to dealing with Evy-that of being a lousy father. A week and a half earlier, Evy had come home with a permission slip to visit the zoo. Dean had lobbied hard on her behalf. _Dad, it’ll cheer her up. Give her something to look forward to. Make her happy. I’ll chaperone if you’re worried about how safe she’ll be._ John had desperately wanted to say yes, but he was so paranoid about losing either her or Dean after Sam leaving, that he said no. Evy had clearly been upset, but she accepted John’s decision with nothing more than a “Yes, Daddy” and a sad face for a couple of days. _Great job, idiot. Your kid has to sit in the principal’s office all day, while her friends are off having fun, and you don’t even bother to talk to her before you accuse her of lying to you._

One line from the note particularly bothered him. _She’s impressive, and a very good reflection on you._ John knew who Evy was really a reflection of, and it certainly was not him.

“Dad? You want me to go talk to her?”

 _Yes_ , John almost said. “No. I should.”

“Dad?” Dean said again. John turned towards him. “Just apologize. She’ll forgive you.”

 _But should she?_ John wondered. “Yeah. Thanks, Dean.”

            When John made it to the door of the bedroom, his heart sank. He could hear Evy crying on her bed. He was surprised. She hadn’t cried since right after Sam had left. _That you know of._ He realized why. The day Sam had left and the two days after, she’d cried at the drop of a hat, and John had finally snapped at her to get over it. Nothing had been said since. Clearly she hadn’t gotten over it, and had gotten into the Winchester habit of burying her feelings. Only she couldn’t keep hers buried for too long. John opened the door and walked in. Evy quickly sat up and wiped her face.

“I’m sorry, Daddy.” “Sorry for what?” John asked, trying unsuccessfully to hide the naturally stern tone of his voice.

Evy stammered; she had tried to think, but she still didn’t know what she was supposed to be sorry for. “Whatever the note said.”

John sighed. “Can I sit with you?”

Evy furrowed her eyebrows, surprised he was asking permission. “Yes, sir.”

John sat on the edge of her bed, the note in his hand. “Honey, this is a praise note.”

“What? What do you mean?” Evy asked.

“It’s a praise note. Miss…” John had to reference the note. He’d already forgotten the secretary’s name.

“Mrs. Jackson?” Evy asked.

“Yeah, Mrs. Jackson. She said you were really good today and that I should be proud of you.”

“So, I didn’t do anything wrong?” Evy asked, as if she just wanted to check.

“No. No, you didn’t.” John answered.

Evy’s eyes filled with tears, and John was grateful she didn’t spill them, or he would have been done. “Then why are you mad at me?”

“Oh, little one, I’m not. I’m not mad at you, just at myself. I’m so, so sorry.” John said.

Evy nodded and looked down. “’s okay, Daddy.”

“No. No, it’s not.” John insisted. _She let you off the hook, what the hell are you doing?_ “It’s not okay. I’m sorry, little one. I know you had a bad day today. I’m sure it didn’t help, me yelling at you as soon as you got home.”

Evy nodded again, and cracked the faintest hint of a smile. “Thank you, Daddy.”

“I’m sorry too I didn’t let you go on your trip.” John said.

Evy shrugged her shoulders and surprised John when she said, “It’s okay. I didn’t really care about the trip.”

“You didn’t?” John asked. “If you didn’t want to go, why did you ask me?”

“Well, I mean, it would have been cool to go on the trip. But we travel so much I just thought that…”

“That maybe we’d go ourselves one day?” John guessed.

“Yeah.” Evy said.

John knew the chances of that were slim. A zoo trip, even for just a couple hours, was expensive on their tight budget. But he resolved to try and find a cheaper one, maybe a rescue zoo somewhere. Evy deserved it.

“I just…” Evy started, then thought better about it.

“Just what, little one?” John asked. “It’s okay, tell me.” “School’s no fun when you’re the only one there.” Evy said.

John frowned. “I’m sure it’s not, little one.”

“Do I have to go back to school tomorrow?” Evy asked.

John bit back the automatic yes that came to mind. “Why don’t you want to?”

“Everybody’ll be talking about how much fun they had today.” Evy explained. “Please, Daddy. Just one day.”

John came up with another idea. “Sure.”

Evy smiled, relieved. “Thanks, Daddy.”

“It’s okay to say no, but what do you think about you and me spending the day together tomorrow?”

Evy’s eyes grew wide. “You mean you’d want to? Spend the whole day with me?”

“Of course I do.” John said. “Why, does that surprise you?”

What Evy said next shattered John’s heart in pieces. She gripped Squish tighter and looked away from him towards the floor. John waited, but she didn’t answer his question. It was close to a full minute before John couldn’t stand it anymore.

“Little one? You okay?”

Evy looked at him and confessed, “I didn’t know you cared that much.”

Trying to ignore the stabbing guilt that shot through him, John cautiously took her hand. “I do, little one. I do. I’m sorry I don’t do a better job letting you know, but I do care. I love you.”

Evy smiled pulled herself into John’s lap. “I love you too, Daddy.”

“What do you want to do tomorrow?”

Evy sat back, an even wider grin on her face. “You mean I can choose?”

John laughed. “Anything you want. As long as it’s in town.”

“Can we go to the park?” Evy asked.

“Sure.” John said. “You think about it, and we’ll talk about it tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay.” Evy said. “Daddy?”

“Yes?”

“Do we have to wait ‘till tomorrow?” Evy asked.

John laughed. “Why? Do you want to do something now?”

Evy nodded. “Deanie said he found a good fishing hole not far from here.”

John laughed again. “Does that mean you want to go fishing?”

“Yes, plea…”

            Before Evy could finish, a loud clap of thunder from outside startled both of them. Evy instinctively jumped into John’s arms. She’d always been afraid of thunderstorms, even after Sam had gotten the idea to make her study them three months earlier. He’d figured that if she knew what happened during a thunderstorm, she wouldn’t be so scared. It was one of the few ideas Sam had ever had on dealing with Evy that didn’t work.

“It’s okay, little one.” John said. “But I think this puts a pin in your fishing plan.”

“It’s okay. Can we go tomorrow after the rain stops?”

“Sounds like a plan, little one.” John said. “Sounds like a plan.”

            John did spend the afternoon with her, playing checkers and working together to make dinner rather than order takeout. John put her to bed, and went to the living room to try getting some sleep himself. He was surprised to find he was actually looking forward to their fishing trip the next day.

            But he should have known it was too good to be true. Just as he started to drift off to sleep, his cell phone rang. It was Caleb. He was hunting a vampire nest and needed help. He told John how sorry he was, that he knew he just got back from a hunt. John knew he shouldn’t, but his duty to hunting overrode his promise to Evy. He packed his bags, dreading what he was about to do. Dean walked in on him packing.

“Dad? What’s going on?” Dean asked.

“I’ve got a hunt, Dean.” John said, though he couldn’t look in Dean’s eye.

Dean’s shoulders sagged. Evy had talked nonstop about the day she was planning to spend with John. It was the first time in weeks Dean had seen her smile, not just mope around the house crying. He’d hoped that it was the beginning of a turning point in John and Evy’s relationship. But maybe that had been a little too much of a miracle to hope for.

“Dad...”

“Dean, I have to go.” John said simply.

“Why don’t I go?” Dean suggested.

John thought about taking the offer, but didn’t. “No.” he said simply. “No, I’m going.”

Dean sighed. There was no use arguing. “Yes, sir.”

John looked up, deciding it was best to get out as quickly as possible. “Do you have to work at the garage tomorrow?”

“No, sir.”

“Alright. If your sister still wants to stay out of school tomorrow, she can. She mentioned something about a fishing hole you found…?” John asked.

Dean nodded. “I’ll take her.”

“Okay. Thanks, Dean.”

“Sure, Dad. You’ll make this up to her, right?” Dean asked.

“Yeah. Soon as I get back.” “Yes, sir.” Dean said. He was already dreading Evy waking up the next day.

            John grabbed his bag and started walking to his truck. He decided to go in and check on Evy before he left. He opened the door to the room slowly, relieved to find her sleeping. She was turned towards him, Squish cuddled in her arms, and, in a moment that would haunt John forever, smiling. She looked completely at peace for the first time in forever. She squeezed Squish and smiled deeper. _She’s dreaming_ , John realized. But it was a good dream, and that nearly killed John. She was dreaming about their day the next day.

“I’m so sorry, little one.” John said. “I’m so sorry. I know it’s hard to believe, but Daddy does love you.”

            John leaned down, kissed her forehead, and left the house. Dean looked like he wanted to say something, but he didn’t.  John made his way towards Caleb, trying to block out Evy’s voice in the back of his mind. _I didn’t know you cared that much._ John hated himself. His eight-year-old daughter was convinced he didn’t care about her. The only thing he had to do to convince her otherwise was to take her fishing for a couple of hours, maybe watch a movie or two with her, or read to her. That was it. To make matters worse, Dean had offered to take the hunt for him so he could still keep his promise to Evy. There was no good reason for John to keep going. But he did. The hunt was a complete success, but there was no joy in it for him. So before going back to Dean and Evy, John pulled over to a bar to drink.

**_Couldn’t put Humpty together again_ ** **.**

            John paid his tab and walked back out to his truck. He very nearly left the nursery rhyme on the bar, but at the last minute, decided to take it. Sitting in the truck, he decided to sleep there. He wasn’t okay to drive. He pulled out the nursery rhyme and looked at it again. The anger he’d felt earlier that night at Evy had turned in on himself. It was his choices that had caused this. And he that would have to live with it. He started to fold up the nursery rhyme when he spotted something on the back that he hadn’t noticed before. He didn’t know how he’d missed it. Evy had written a note to him on the back. _Love you bunches Daddy! -Evy_

John broke. The floodgates of anger he’d put up came crashing down, only to be replaced with painful, excruciating hurt and guilt. He’d cried the night that Evy left, and apparently wasn’t done. He missed her so bad he couldn’t breathe. Her laugh, her joy, her innocence, even knowing what was out there in the world. _That’s what you get,_ his brain told him. _You had something good, something pure and good in this godforsaken life, and you took advantage of it until you lost it. Not just once but twice. Way to go, jackass._ John took out his cellphone, where he still had the voicemails Evy had left him. He played the last one, that he’d gotten that morning.

“Hi, Daddy. Just trying again. I know you’re still mad, but I’m sorry, Daddy. I’m sorry I hurt you. Please talk to me. I love you, I really do. I want to tell you about everything here. I still want you to be a part of my life. Please think about it. Love you, Daddy.” As he hung up, John said, “I love you too, little one. More than anything.” He held the phone in his hand, considering calling her back. “Not yet. Not yet, little one. One day.”


End file.
